Tuesday, March 9, 2010

A Brief Purge of Emotional Goop

I started my blog many months ago.  And, I pursued a consistent posting until I stopped dead in my tracks, shaken by criticism.  That's my fault, not anybody else's fault.  Regardless, I have not posted until now - 5 months later.

I know better than this.  I know better than to let someone else's poorly considered opinion drag me down.  But this time, I did.  Someone who I thought was very close to me offered "I just don't find it interesting.  I guess it's a girl thing."  This hurt my feelings greatly and for so many different reasons.  It played into a dismissing gesture toward my gender.  I'm a girl so what I say must not be valid.  What did this say about the men who followed my blog?  It played into a careless comment without supporting reason.  They could not provide any constructive criticism for me to consider in going forward.  This person could not find one shred of any of my blogs to which they felt appreciative or relative.  What hurt was that the door was simply slammed and blamed on my gender.  He wasn't seeing me for me and, when pressed, would not allow me to see him beyond the shut-out.  There was no room for discussion.  This pissed me off.

I can take criticism.  I might take it well or I might get defensive.  Usually, however, I will think it over and lose the defensiveness eventually.  But to be shut down flatly, I have difficulty accepting this.  I had a problem with this one because it came from someone who had supported the idea of my writing.  We don't talk about my writing anymore.  In fact, we don't talk about much of anything relative to me specifically anymore.

So, what has changed?  Why am I blogging right now?

I let go of that persons opinion.  I let go of their hold on me.  I let go of any expectation of them understanding who I am or what my perspective means.  I let go of the notion that they might enjoy something I have produced.  I let go of them.  And, I have returned to me.

The title of my blog is "Dione du Jour (or not)."  My name is Dione.  It doesn't say "Bob du Jour" or "Betty du Jour."  It's me, no one else.  I hope to blog most days.  I may not make them all and that is just darn tootin' ok.  Hence, the "or not."  If I don't get in a daily blog, so be it.  That would be far too predictable anyway, right?

I think the lesson for me here is that I need not be so invested in those that would criticize without merit.  I welcome your constructive criticism and, in fact, even that which you simply just don't vibe on.  But if you don't vibe with every single one of my entries, then I'm guessing that you don't vibe with me.  And, that's fine.  It only hurts when I care about you.  I like a good challenge but even better for me is a calm and intellectual discussion or debate - one that is researched and one in which we remain open to the possibilities.  If you throw up your hands and shut me out, guess what, I'll do the same whether I want to or not.  This is still a challenge for me.

Now, I don't want to be the person on American Idol that stands there after the entire panel has told me to consider a career change and I contend that they are wrong.  At least on Idol (now that Paula is gone), the criticism remains constructive.  And, I have always sided with Simon's critique.  But I don't think the panel is shutting me down.  Maybe there is one, but I've voted him off the island.  Ha!

Do come back to visit my blog and it is my intention to do the same.  I have so very much that I would like to share with each and every one of you.  Thank you for stopping by.

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